2012 Cracked Crowns

From the cringe-inducing headline “Mistressville, USA” to a giant catfish to ridiculous campaign ads, 2012 was a year to remember. Or forget. OK, now we’re confused. So let’s just get to the awards


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Just Think of the Po’ Boy You Could Make!

WFAE’s Julie Rose did a lovely story about people who fish in the pond at Freedom Park, which seemed cute and innocuous until you got to the end and you learned that a man named Jose Sosa caught a twenty-one-pound catfish there. Sosa used a plastic bottle and fishing line (bor-ring!), but we suggest a new slogan for Parks and Rec: Freedom Park: a perfect place to take the kids hillbilly handfishin’.

 

DNC, Where the D Stands for Debt

If you thought you knew what the words “on track” meant, the Democratic National Convention was a game-changer for you. All year long, the host committee assured the media that fundraising for the convention was on track. Every time a member of the host committee found themselves in front of a microphone, a reporter would ask how much of the $36.5 million they had raised. “We’re on track,” would come the answer. The convention came and went. The host committee announced it had come up $10 million short. (Next time we buy a 75-cent Coke from a vending machine, we’re going to put in 50 cents and tell the machine that we’re on track to get another quarter. We’ll see if we get that can.)

 

Because Who Thought a Contrived Made-For-TV Marriage Plot Wouldn’t Last?
You guys, The Bachelorette was from Charlotte! And she got engaged to an entrepreneur missing an f! Then they weren’t engaged anymore! Whatevs.

 

Lawsuit We’d Like to See: Jerry Reese v. Mothra
Because after the seventh time you file a lawsuit to stop the Charlotte Knights from moving uptown, you might as well try suing something new.

 

Charlotte: Where Marriages Go to Die. Er, Struggle

This fall, three weeks after country music star Jason Aldean graced the cover of People magazine for an article about his great home life with his wife and two daughters, he was photographed making out in a Los Angeles bar with Charlotte Bobcats cheerleader and 2012 American Idol contestant Brittany Kerr. Aldean publicly apologized for what he called a “lapse in judgment,” and, at last report, was still with his wife.

 

This Is What Happens When You Lay Off Too Many Copy Editors
In January, The Charlotte Observer published, in the print newspaper, an article stating that NBA player Baron Davis “is recovering from a herniated dick.” (Note to karma: we know, we know. We just couldn’t resist.)

 

Disney World Is Awaiting the Arrival of the Carolina Panthers
Of COURSE the guy who predicted a Super Bowl win for this year’s Carolina Panthers would go down with a season-ending injury. Ryan Kalil, the team’s starting center, took out a full-page ad in July predicting a syrupy sweet campaign for his team. Then his season ended when he came down with something called a Lisfranc injury to his foot, which you can get by inserting it into your mouth.

 

Somebody Is Spending $1 Billion to Build a Replica of Rock Hill in the New Mexico Desert

Because why not? Pegasus Global Holdings is building a city-sized testing lab to try out new technologies. The Washington D.C.-based technology development company decided to make the lab look like Rock Hill after one of its execs saw the town from the air on a flight to Charlotte and thought, “Hey, let’s make our new lab look just like that!” It’ll open in 2014. Meanwhile, Gastonia is seething.

 

Somewhere, Ric Flair Is Taking Notes

In July, a Gastonia man told police he had argued with a woman over groceries for two days, and she punched him in the face then proceeded to beat him with her prosthetic leg. At some point in the scuffle, she got out of her wheelchair, which resulted in her dialysis tube becoming unhooked. Onlookers had to pull the woman off the man.

 

Paul Silas: Facepalm Machine
Somebody posted a photo montage on the Internet of the former Bobcats coach burying his face in his hand during the team’s seven-win season. This, you see, is what the Internet is for.

 

You Want a Detour? I Got Your Detour RIGHT HERE.
In July, meddling kids changed two electronic road signs, at Colony and Rea roads, to display racial slurs and a swear word. Zoinks!

 

Gentlemen, It’s Been a Pleasure Dining With You Tonight
In April, the uptown restaurant Savannah Red and Epic Chophouse in Mooresville both re-created the last dinner served on the Titanic. Sir, let me refill your water to help you commemorate one of the world’s worst maritime disasters.

 

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