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Five campaign ads we won't miss

A flood of campaign cash has kept political ads airing with Metamucil-like regularity in this battleground state. Stock video producers were busy all summer cranking out shots of empty factories, people with wrinkles looking into the camera with blank stares, waitresses serving pie. We couldn’t let election season pass without highlighting some of the best propaganda in the bunch—you know, for the kids.

(Click on the ad titles to watch the videos.)

“Feet”

Former Charlotte mayor and current gubernatorial candidate Pat McCrory talks about North Carolina’s natural resources. “Let’s unleash their power safely,” he says. We’re worried. Isn’t that what Zeus said about the Kraken? P.S. All of McCrory’s ads seem to be filmed in abandoned warehouses. Pat McCrory: shilling for the hobo vote.

“Right Choice”

Under a welfare policy change instituted by President Obama, “you wouldn’t have to work and wouldn’t have to train for a job. They just send you your welfare check.” At least, that’s what this Romney ad claims. Fact checkers have disagreed, arguing that the Obama administration’s changes would help states put more welfare recipients to work. A Romney staffer insisted the campaign wouldn’t be defined by fact checkers, and the ad kept airing. We understand. A campaign isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon—which, from what we hear, was run by Paul Ryan in less than three hours.

“Down Here”

The South Carolina Democratic Party paid for an anti-Romney TV ad to run in the Charlotte area. A YouTube version, which was fixed before it hit the airwaves, misspelled Romney’s name. Reaction: schitt!

“Talk”

This ad was supposed to introduce Democratic gubernatorial candidate Walter Dalton to a statewide audience. He’s pictured in his hometown of Rutherfordton, talking about how workers have “taken it on the chin” and he’ll “shoot straight” to help them. The folksy phrases may sound a bit odd, but at least Dalton’s not simply reciting his name over and over again. In a 2008 campaign spot, his name was uttered eleven times.

What’s Walter Dalton’s jobs plan? Walter Dalton. His policy on fracking? Walter Dalton. Where’s Walter Dalton’s Walter Dalton when he Walter Daltons with his Walter Dalton? Walter Dalton, but that’s only as far as Walter Dalton is concerned. His opponent Walter Daltoned when his stance has Walter Daltoned so many times it makes Walter Dalton look like Walter Dalton.

That’s thirteen in one paragraph. Walter Dalton!*

*That’s fourteen.

“New Morning”

Funded by Gary Bauer’s Campaign for American Values PAC, this ad takes place in a kitchen, which is focus-group proven to be the least gay room in the house.

HUSBAND: “Hey, honey? How are ya?”

WIFE: [reading paper] “Fine. I GUESS.”

HUSBAND: “What’s going on?”

WIFE: “Well, Obama is trying to force gay marriage on this country.” Oh no. She’s totally going to have to marry Tami from book club now. WIFE: “That’s not the change I voted for. Marriage
is between a man and a woman.” Or between first cousins. Because the law is totally cool with that in North Carolina.

HUSBAND: “That’s not the change I voted for either.”

WIFE: “So what can we do?” Maybe they could build a marriage moat around their house.

HUSBAND: “We can vote for someone with values.”

Oh. That. We thought you were going to say, “We can have a nuanced discussion about love, equality, and sexuality while opening our minds to tolerance and considering all sides of the argument. We can voice our opinions and compromise, even if we respectfully disagree on a worldview that, while it may make us personally uncomfortable, has no direct impact on our family. Kinda like preferring chocolate ice cream to vanilla. Right honey?” But yeah, the voting thing fits better in a 30-second ad.