The Worst of the Worst

From trashy celebrities to embarrassing sports records, there are a few things in Charlotte that didn’t make it into this month’s pages
Aaron To

We like to focus on what’s great about our town. But everyone knows Charlotte isn’t perfect. Just read any comments section on the Observer’s website and you’ll see that a lot of people have problems with Charlotte—incidentally, you’ll also see that a lot of people have problems with their mental health.

This month, in an effort to ensure we’ve thoroughly covered the city, I’m naming the top ten worst things in Charlotte. After intense research and discussion (mostly with our intern), I present to you the first Worst of the Worst:

Worst Thing to Say to a Charlotte Hipster: “The new Penguin is awesome.” Or, if you really want to incite anger, just mention fried pickles. If the person you’re talking to is drinking a PBR and has an ironic mustache, he will instantly become irritated.

Worst Public Art: Charlotte seems to have a thing for statues that look like they’re beckoning alien life. (Yeah, I’m looking at you, giant onion rings at the intersection of Wendover and Randolph.) The new twin monuments/satellite dishes on South Tryon won this year’s worst spot.

Worst Place to Be Stuck in Traffic: On Independence you can check out the seedy strip malls. On I-77 North you can watch the boaters on Lake Norman. But on I-485 near Ballantyne, you’re just stuck staring at the stick-figure family on the back of the expensive SUV in front of you.

Worst Joke by a Strip Club: This was a close race. Uptown Cabaret’s ads for the best wings … and breasts and thighs in town was a contender. And Twin Peeks was in the running with its punny name. But the “Meat our Dancers” joke up for months on Chasers’ marquee takes the crown.

Worst Charlotte Celebrity Who Is a Former Filmmaker Turned Mistress to Democratic Party Presidential Candidate Turned Mother of Said Candidate’s Love Child Turned Myers Park Resident: What? Too specific? Well, anyway, Rielle Hunter wins.

Worst Charlotte Job: Feeling sorry for bankers is so 2008. And talking about high school teachers and librarians is just depressing. So I asked Samantha, our unpaid intern, what she thought was the worst job in Charlotte. She replied—a little too quickly—“an unpaid internship.”

Worst Choice Made by a Charlottean: If you’re hoping I’m about to offer serious political commentary, then this is a little embarrassing, because the worst choice goes to Emily Maynard from The Bachelor. Not only for being on a show in which she competed with twenty-four other women for one man, but then for not taking that man up on a wedding in Anguilla because she didn’t like knowing he’d dated twenty-four other women. I must be missing something.

Worst Transportation Signs: The misspelled sign for “Indepednence Blvd” tried to steal this category, but I’m still giving it to the I-277 signs telling you where things are in Charlotte based on the cardinal directions. If Magellan were coming to town via Brookshire Freeway, this might be helpful. Not so much for the rest of us. 

Worst News to Make National Headlines: The day Charlotte won the prestigious bid for the 2012 Democratic National Convention, it seemed like the news world’s head was turned the other way. (Apparently there was some little thing going on in Egypt.) But when a guy who goes by Waka Flocka Flame has his tour bus shot at on Independence, suddenly everyone is paying attention. Naturally.

Worst Record: The Panthers actually took this to a national level to win this category. Talk about overachievers.

That wraps up the list. And would you look at that? I made it through the whole thing without once making fun of the EpiCentre.

Categories: First Person, Opinion, The Buzz