Wedding Etiquette from Anna Post

Anna Post tackles your wedding day questions and concerns

June 17, 2011

Q My fiancé’s family is politically conservative, and mine is politically liberal and both sides are passionate about their convictions. We’re having a whole weekend’s worth of wedding-related activities so there’ll be plenty of opportunities for interaction. Any suggestions on keeping the peace?

A Head this situation off ahead of time. Well before your wedding weekend, establish some “rules of engagement.” Talk to your family and ask your fiancé to talk to his. “It’s important to Jake and me that this weekend goes really well. You can help us ensure that it does. I know you can be passionate about your beliefs and so can the Smiths. So Jake and I are asking all of you to help us out by staying away from hot button topics. Are you OK with that?” It’s important to ask this question and get their verbal assent.

Unfortunately, even the best laid plans can go awry. If an intense conversation starts to dominate, put a stop to it and clear the air with a comment like, “I hope Jake and I don’t spend our honeymoon debating like this! But I’ve sure enjoyed our lively conversation.” And then, by all means, change the subject. “Cake, anyone?”

QWe’re planning a destination wedding on a tight budget. Are we expected to pay the travel and hotel expenses for our guests? If not, how do we make this clear?

A Nowadays, you don’t have to go to a far-away tropical isle to have a destination wedding—almost every wedding involves travel for some of your guests. Wedding hosts aren’t responsible for their guests’ travel or accommodation expenses. Whether at a resort destination or your own hometown, it’s a good idea to locate a few reasonably-priced places for guests to stay and request a block rate. Depending on the destination, send this information three to six (or more) months in advance in a “save the date” mailing. Include room prices, contact information, and a list of airlines and other modes of transportation that serve the location. If you have a wedding website, posting this information along with any direct links is a great way to help your guests with their planning.

The bride and groom or their families do cover accommodations (but not travel) for the attendants. When approaching potential attendants, be clear about your plans. “We’re getting married in Aruba next February and we’d love it if you can be in our wedding. If you can get yourself there, we’ll pick up the tab for the hotel.” Be understanding if some people decline because of financial reasons. If your wedding wouldn’t be the same without your best friend, you may decide to cover a particular attendant’s travel expenses as well. Make your offer tactfully and discreetly, and, if your offer is accepted, keep your arrangement confidential—you wouldn’t want to upset the others who are paying their own way.

Tips for Groomsmen

Ushering at the ceremony, mixing and mingling at the reception, making introductions, assisting the elderly or anyone who needs help, running errands, dancing, and being available for pictures are some of the common expectations of a groomsman. Here’s how to go above and beyond for your groom and bride:

Look sharp! No matter what attire the groom chooses, make sure that you are polished—hair perfect, suit or tux unwrinkled and lint free, tie tied and straight, socks pulled up, shoes shined.

Be early! Weddings, like military campaigns, run on precision timing. Whatever timetable you are given, show up five to ten minutes early for the first event. This will guarantee that the rest of the schedule has a good chance of success.

If you are wearing a boutonniere, pin it with the stem end down, at the buttonhole of the left lapel.

Good things to have in your pocket: directions to the reception site, a lighter (in case you need to light candles), a pocket comb (pre-picture touch-ups), a safety pin or two, tissues.

Check the seating chart. Familiarize yourself with the seating order and review any special seating arrangements. Ask guests you don’t know whether they wish to be seated on the bride’s side (the left) or the groom’s side (the right). When guests have no preference, seat them so that the audience is evenly divided.

Smile! Even though you may be in a house of worship, smile warmly and converse quietly and pleasantly while ushering. Offer your right arm to a woman. When escorting a couple, offer your right arm to the woman—her male companion follows behind. When escorting a group, give your arm to the eldest woman (or man, if he needs assistance).

QCan I Tweet from a wedding I’m attending? How about posting pictures I take during the wedding on my Facebook page?

A You can Tweet live updates of a friend’s wedding, but the real question is, should you? While it would be exciting to share the events of the day in real time, you’d be taking your focus away from the wedding. Talk to the couple ahead of time and ask them how they feel about Tweets on their wedding day. It may make sense if there’s a special group of close friends or family who can’t be there. Otherwise, who else would really want such immediate access to such a personal celebration? The people who didn’t get invited? If you do receive permission to Tweet, keep the comments upbeat and cheerful. This isn’t your opportunity to snark about the bridesmaid’s dresses or entrée selection.

Q I’m hosting a shower for the bride. Do I give her a shower gift as well?

A Hosting a shower is a gift in itself, and no other gift is required. As the shower host you’ve taken on a considerable time commitment planning and organizing the party as well as the costs involved with invitations, decorations, and refreshments. If you truly are uncomfortable being empty handed, consider some low or no cost alternatives: your top five never-fail
recipes or a romantic dinner music playlist.