Celebrity Style: Oscar Fashion Round Up

There was a lot for our little blogger brains to take in last night:  Beyonce’s eye-assaulting brocade gown on the red carpet, the seemingly inexplicable presence of Jessica Biel, (this was later explained),  Sarah Jessica’s Cinderella-meets-Glenda-and-then-adds-an-ill-advised-belt  ensemble, and that is all before the show even started!  

We were so overcome with the buffet of fashion eye-candy that we ran out of time to mention the delicious buffet was that was actually at the event we were attending!  Sarah and I were honored to be guests at the Charlotte Symphony Oscar Gala, which is (quite inventively) held ON the stage in the Belk Theater.  In between our frantic twittering (and my even more frantic phone calls to my helpful mother who was proxy posting to the blog for me), we indulged in scrumptious treats like tuna tartare from Wolfgang Puck Bistro, and crisp cool Aussie white wine from Wine Shop in Foxcroft.  (I personally devoured a chocolate dessert that I am 99% sure was meant to be shared by two people. )  The beautiful people of Charlotte turned out in gorgeous regalia (as we noted on our twitter, furs were the outerwear statement of the night, and we were drooling over one gal’s floor length, strapless black and white toile gown).  It was a fabulous party, and while we may have appeared anti-social, staring into the tiny screens of our portable internet devices, we enjoyed every minute of it.  The Symphony sure knows how to throw a classy party!
NOW – On to the serious business of declaring the real winners and losers of the evening….
First, the less fortunate.  These are the poor souls who will not be getting our stiletto stamp of approval for their Oscar night choices: 
(Photos are linked from The Cut at New York Magazine)
While we were beyond impressed by the length of her legs during the Broadway Revue portion of the program, we were less than wowed by the absolutely MASSIVE bow displayed here on her gown. The color was a winning choice with her golden mane, but that bow needs to be knocked down a few knotches. 
We have always considered us to be fans of brocade prints. Quite vocal fans at that. But, Beyonce has made us question our own devotion. This is just… painful to look at. Even worse… we hear it came from her own fashion collection. 
We really wanted to like this. We are big fans of the idea of a “statement necklace”, and red heads wearing red is such a bold and tricky choice, and she pulled off the color perfectly. However, the strange front-drape, the dark seaming detail, and the weird non-matchy-ness of the necklace were a confusing combination, and it didn’t sit well on top of our tuna tartare. Sorry Amy.
After we got over our initial “WTF is Jessica Biel doing at the Oscars!” shock (turns out she was this year’s tasty starlet that they stick with the science and technical awards), we were able to actually settle in and look at her chosen ensemble, and all we have to say is that if we were given our one shot at attending the Oscars, knowing full well we don’t really deserve to be there, we would have, you know, “brought it” a bit more than ol’ Jess.  Acting chops aside, Biel has one of the best bodies in the biz… so why is she hiding it underneath this terrible dress?
At first glance, not that bad.  Interesting use of the night’s dark blue color trend.  But at second glance…. yeah, we can see her leg underneath that tulle. It is short. Or see-thru. Or some ungodly combination of short and see-thru under there.  Not okay.
We think it is the cut of this dress that is turning us off. Or frankly, the lack of a cut in this dress. It’s just like… there. Just fabric. On her. 
We really hate to do this, because the woman is a legend, but we can’t just stand idly by and not say something about this. The shoulders. The arms. The strange, two-tiers of ruffles. The urine-like color.  It’s… not good. 
Here were the BIG WINNERS in our book: 
This is one gorgeous woman, and she had our favorite white dress of the night, also perhaps our favorite jewels. 
Obviously Anne must have read our Oscar predictions blog, saw that we had been finding her underwhelming, and decided to prove us wrong. Consider us humbled, Anne. You look amazing.  We would like to be buried in this dress. 
If our cleavage ever looks this good, we hope that we get photographed on stage wearing a dress like this so our girls can be preserved for all eternity looking this fabulous. Tina has truly embraced the deep necklines this awards season, and on behalf of Shoptalk, and every nerd-chic hipster boy in America – we would like to congratulate her on looking spectacular. 
And, of course, there were a few dresses that were just… “meh”: 
Black meh.
Blue/grey/black overlay meh.  Still love you. But this dress paled in comparison to your SAG gown.
Gorgeous dress, if she was walking down the aisle of a church instead of a red carpet. 
Finally, a quick shout out to two men who looked positively yummy in their tuxes: