Help Wanted

Downsizing. Restructuring. Layoffs. Whatever it's called, cities around the country are seeing unemployment rates skyrocket, and, sadly, Charlotte is no exception. Despite the economic downturn, however, there are still jobs to be had in Charlotte -- if you're willing to take on some of the strangest occupations.

Part-time Wizard/Spy
Posted on Craigslist on February 2

Covert Electronic Device Sweeps: Looking for a part time wizard to search for electronic listening devices. Must be a nonsmoker with a reserved nature (able to keep secrets) and no criminal record. Have a love of electronics, be reliable, with a slim build (for searching tight places). Coverage area is within 100 miles of Charlotte, NC. This could be the coolest part time job you ever had but it's only five to seven hours a week.

Harry Potter is currently out of the country, but as soon as he returns we'll have him throw on his invisible cape, wave his wand, and text you to set up a lunch date.
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Beer Tap Maker
Posted on Craigslist on February 9

Looking for wood workers and/or metal workers to fashion custom beer tap handles for new Charlotte Brewery. Must be able to produce 30 to 80 handles within 3 weeks. All inquiries please email XXXXXXX.

Who knew wood- or metalworking could be put to such good use?
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Pagan Fashion Writer
Posted on Creative Loafing website on January 15

We're the editors of Thorn Magazine, a new quarterly print magazine about paganism and modern culture premiering this December. We have a problem, though: we want to include a regular 2-page feature detailing news and trends in eco-friendly fashion, but all of us are fashion-illiterate. Are you familiar with all the hottest materials, styles and designers in fashion? Concerned about how the fashion industry treats the animals from which it garners materials, or the treatment of workers who manufacture the clothes? We want your wit, sharp eye for detail, and perfectionism in conceptualizing, writing, and designing the 2-page fashion section for each quarterly issue. The pieces you write might not deal directly with paganism—how dull would it be to cover the newest line of shirts with pentacles? However, it should intelligently engage issues of interest to the modern pagan: the ethical treatment of animals, people, and natural resources.
Salary/Wage: $0.02/word

But why wouldn't anyone want to read about the newest line of shirts with pentacles?
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Payphone Finder
Posted on Creative Loafing website on January 18

LEGIT opportunity—$1.00 per payphone you can find. Myself and a partner have a new project that we need your help with. For this I will pay you $1.00 for each and every payphone that you can find. All you have to do is go up to the phone, call me, tell me the number, I will call the phone, answer it, and I will give you $1.00 via PayPal. This is absolutely legal and is a great way to earn some extra money. Serious inquiries only please, you must be available to do this everyday from anytime from 10 a.m.-6 p.m. (Eastern time). E-mail me for a contact number and I can better explain the entire simple process to you.
Salary/Wage: $1.00 per payphone
Status: Part-time

When a post leads with "LEGIT"—in all caps, no less—and includes the phrase "absolutely legal," it also means there's a small chance that it really is against the law.
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Pet Waste Remover
Posted on Craigslist on February 4

Do you love dogs? Able to work outside in any type of weather? Our company is one of the leading pet waste removal companies in the Charlotte area and we are seeking part-time technicians. Our website is www.scooperdude.com. Must be a self-starter; have a clean driving record; pass a drug test & criminal background check; have good vision. Must be able to read a map book and use GPS. Drive our truck. Like to work outside and love being around dogs. Email resume with work history and contact information. No phone calls please.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, including scooping poop for cash.
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Hip Hop Dance Instructor
Posted on Craigslist on February 10

My friends and I are looking for someone to teach us how to dance. Saturday evening before we went out we "practiced" our moves at home before we went out to humiliate ourselves. It was just sad. We had the best time laughing at each other. However if we were in a public setting and we were being laughed at we would be mortified! None of us will be entering So You Think You Can Dance … we just want to be able to go out and do more than our "signature moves" (which for me is some basic knee-bends and finger snaps!!!!). Are you up to the challenge of teaching us some basic hip hop moves? Please email with the price of your services.

We've often wished some of the people at Alley Cat and Suite on Friday night had taken a cue from this posting and gotten some help with their, er, footwork.
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Mexican Crime Report Translator
Posted on Craigslist on January 30

Can you read in Spanish and speak in English? If so, would you be interested in reading an actual police file from Cancun, Mexico? There are 123 pages, some are simple letters from one office to the next, some are medical reports, DNA evidence, witness statements, warrants for arrests, etc. Please understand that this is the actual police file, there are graphic statements and photos of the crime scene and as the victim of this crime, I will be very selective of whom I choose to work with me. I would also prefer someone with a legal or police type background. If you would be interested, please email me and I will tell you more about what I am needing and maybe we can work out a price.

Anyone else think it's shady that this person actually has the police file?
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Energetic Chicken and Sign Waver
Posted on Craigslist on February 9

I need an energetic person to come have some fun! You will dress in a fun chicken uniform and wave our company logo out on the sidewalk. We will pay $6.50 per hour, cash pay at end of everyday, free meal, and 15-25 hours per week to begin!

Be honest: how many times have you driven by these guys dressed in chicken costumes and thought to yourself, "Hell, no, I ain't putting on a chicken costume to make money"? That's what we thought.
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Key Holder or Thief?
Posted on Craigslist on February 4

I need someone to unlock my office door. Looking for someone "very" reasonable … can you help?  If so, please give me a call. 704 XXX XXXX —Jo

No, really, you read it correctly. Key Holder or Thief.
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ball buster
Posted on Craigslist on March 9

Looking for all types of ladies for upcoming web project. Starting a jackass style site that involves the comedy of kicking males in the groin. No nudity, filmed at public locations. Pay varies, but almost all starting ladies will get $10/hr. Please include, name, age, picture and why you would be right for this project.

Repeatedly kicking men in the groin is legitimate practice for women's self-defense.

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