How To Commit Voter Fraud In North Carolina

A step-by-step guide for stealing elections the old-fashioned way
Hal Goodtree
McCrory

“The need for photo ID has been questioned by those who say voter fraud is not a problem in North Carolina. However, without the higher level of identification a photograph provides, is it possible to know?” — N.C. Gov. Pat McCrory, op-ed in the (Raleigh) News & Observer, Aug. 12, 2013

Good point! Let’s run down how to perpetrate a voter fraud scheme under the old law, shall we?

Step One: Acquire the voter rolls. This could be a list of a mere several thousand names if you’re trying to rig a small race, such as the Pasquotank County Soil & Water Conservation Board, or quite a bit more if you’re targeting a statewide race, since North Carolina has 6.5 million registered voters. This work is not for the weak of heart or the employed.

Step Two: Identify, with the help of an Extensive Intelligence Network, which names and addresses belong to people you’re sure won’t be voting (such as cadavers), people you suspect won’t be voting or people you think will vote for someone you don’t like. There’s no sense targeting people you think are going to vote your way.

Step Three: Memorize those names and addresses. Poll workers get suspicious when they ask what your name and address is and you start digging around in your pocket.

Step Four: Map your plan. Casting ballots as five different people at one polling place is theoretically possible but impractical (you quickly run out of hats and fake moustaches). So you pick different precincts. For statewide races, again, this can be tough. You may have to drive from, say, Andrews to Cherryville to Winston-Salem to Elizabeth City to Beaufort. Voter fraud is hard work.

Step Five: Hope the person whose ballot you’re casting hasn’t already voted; won’t change his or her mind and vote later; or isn't known to one of the poll workers, who after all are residents of the same precinct.

Step Six: If you're registered, remember to cast your own ballot. You can do this. Try to remember your name and address. Collect your "I voted" sticker. Wear it proudly. Resist the urge to add "six times" in ballpoint.

Step Seven: Crack open a cold one. You’ve earned it.

Step Eight: Hope your ardent fraudulatin’ achieves a favorable result — that the five fraudulent ballots you cast help tip the scales in a critical race like last year’s gubernatorial election, which Pat McCrory won by a mere 509,127 votes.

Step Nine: Hope you don’t get a knock on the door from law enforcement. Voter fraud is a felony.

Step Ten: Hope your co-conspirators keep their mouths shut lest the lot of you run afoul of federal racketeering laws.

See how easy that is? No wonder McCrory signed that voter ID bill into law yesterday. It’s just common sense. Now, when people go to vote, they’ll have to present photo identification to prove they are who they say they are.

It’ll cut down on the instances of fraud, I'm sure. ‘Cause whoever heard of people using fake IDs?