The Week's Inanity: October 26: Sexy Charlotte Costumes, Hugh's Grenades and Prepare For Death
It’s time for Halloween, which means all the leaves are falling off the damn trees and I have to go out back in a few minutes and rake them up. And then when I finish the back yard, I’ll go out front, and once I finish there, the back yard will look like it did before I started. I hate trees. They’re the worst.
But I digress. Halloween is a time of merriment and mirth, in which we find it perfectly normal to think of specific professions and animals, put the word “sexy” in front of them, and then dress that way. I am looking forward to a Halloween party this weekend where I will put on a fedora and tight jeans, then offer you some cuff links for purchase. BAM. Sexy haberdasher.
I was also thinking of being a sexy platypus. I'd put on a duck-bill, take off my shirt, and be useless. That kinda describes me in the summertime, minus the duck-bill.
So, if you’re looking for a Charlotte-specific costume for your Halloween party this weekend, and it has to be sexy, here are a few ideas:
- Sexy kudzu: Put on a green bikini and climb all over the furniture.
- Sexy Democratic National Convention: Pass out Obama literature, take over the most important room in the house for a bit, appear in everybody’s pictures, then announce you didn’t make enough money to pay for all the beer you drank.
- Sexy Walgreens pharmacist: Works well everywhere except Dilworth.
- Sexy Bobcat: Put on a slinky outfit with a tail, then miss jump shots. Also, expect the house to be half-empty.
- Sexy swing voter: Wear a low cut sweater, turn on the television for five minutes, then decide to vote for Cherie Berry because you remember seeing her name in an elevator once.
- Sexy Dale Jr.: Grow beard, don’t arrive first.
- Sexy Charlotte street: Wear a tight shirt with a double yellow line, then when somebody asks you what you are, keep changing your name. “I’m Tyvola! I’m Fairview! I’m Sardis!”
- Sexy Streetcar: Dress like Blanche Dubois and only attend a Halloween Party that is 1.5 miles away or less.
If anybody actually decides to dress as any of the things above, please send me a picture via Twitter. You will earn my respect, if for no other reason than the fact that you squandered your precious Halloween costume on something that nobody except for me will understand. Inside jokes are the sexiest jokes, right?
I made the mistake of asking Hugh McColl why I didn’t see a grenade on his desk. His response, in so many words: YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY GRENADES, SON.
I noticed a new crepe myrtle at the end of my old street. Turns out, it came from the site of the new Knights ballpark in Third Ward. I’m glad they transplanted it before Jerry Reese filed a lawsuit to stop it, claiming someday we’d get a maple tree instead.
Just because you’re way ahead in the polls, doesn’t mean you can skip to the head of the line to vote early, Pat McCrory.
Also, make this stop.
First the Panthers fire their general manager. Then they put Chris Gamble and Jon Beason on injured reserve. Now, this. Oh, Jimmy.
This week’s logic puzzle: “I hate the Carolina Panthers because they are based in the city of Charlotte. Charlotte is my favorite character on “Sex and the City” and I hate that she shares a name with that atrocious city.” Fair enough. I hate Dallas because when I was a teenager I was a fan of Diamond Dallas Page and your festering boil of a megalopolis blah blah blah ED ‘TOO TALL’ JONES WAS OVERRATED.
After Sunday’s 19-14 loss to Dallas, Cam Newton asked for a suggestion box. I put one in uptown Charlotte for an hour. I got 19 suggestions.
It could be worse. Goats could destroy your football field.
Sure, you can have the Super Bowl, Charlotte. Just build thousands of hotel rooms and fix up that 20-year-old stadium.
“I don’t know, it’s pretty gnarly. I’m definitely hooked.” said a guy from Charlotte after he JUMPED OFF OF AN 876 FOOT HIGH BRIDGE.
This Reddit thread about Homeland’s Mandy Patinkin calling Charlotte home obviously devolves into people bitching about traffic.
Also, prepare to die.
“Nobody kidnaps my daddy.” -Franklin Graham.
The Observer on the race for president: You both suck. But one of you sucks less, thusly earning our endorsement.
A personal note: The ebullient folks at Charlotte magazine have made a huge mistake. They have granted me the privilege of being their back page columnist. Each month. Until my columns start to suck. The last time I got the chance to write a regular back page column, it was for The Bulldog Bulletin at my alma mater, Lakeview High School in Cortland, Ohio. I complained a lot about how Beaver Local High School got all the snow days and we didn’t. Nothing in this world is fair.
My first column will appear in December’s issue. I’m sure it’ll be about snow. Or Snow. Or something.
Jeremy Markovich (@deftlyinane) is a regular contributor to Charlotte magazine, and a producer at NBC Charlotte. He also blogs at deftlyinane.com and just finished a mini documentary about the building of the Bank of America Corporate Center.