The Week's Inanity: Shady Accounting for Diets, and Lower Your 2013 Hopes

Jeremy Markovich
The Christmas tree truck, leaving town on S. Tryon.

Happy 2013 everybody. I have a feeling it’s going to be just like 2012, except better. Or worse. Who the hell knows.

This is always the best time of year. Nothing has happened yet. You haven't even thought about the ways you'll break your New Year's resolution. For instance: You’re probably carrying some extra weight around because you went HAM on some ham over Christmas. If you resolved to lose weight, and if you get back to where you were before the holidays, you’re just breaking even. But if you choose to only look at 2013, when you started heavy, THEN YOU ARE BECOMING LEAN AND MEAN. This is the Enron accounting method of dieting.

You’re probably also trying to pay off some of that debt you racked up buying iPads or Furbys or Tamagotchis or whatever the hell it is you’re buying your kids these days. Are Furbys still a thing? I have no idea. I'm glad I don't know many small kids, because they'd probably get a Furby from me and immediately throw a fake smile at me and then throw it in the deepest recesses of their closets. And then I've wasted money, and the kid thinks I'm out of touch. 

Thanks for nothing, Furby.

Anyway, the holidays are over. The City of Charlotte started picking up Christmas trees at the curb on January 2nd, Which is their way of telling you to get it the hell out of your house. I was still bathed in the rosy glow of New Year’s Day when I had to grab the Fraser Fir in my living room Magnus Samuelsson style and shove it out the front door, throwing off piles of needles everywhere. And now, beside the tiny foot daggers that will turn up stuck to my instep for the next few months, there is this giant empty spot where that tree once stood. It now represents the void in my soul that can only be filled by Jingle Bells and sugar cookies. It smelled so nice in there too. I love natural Christmas trees, but I always throw them out at the beginning of the year. So 2013 starts with a deficit for me.

I should probably say a few words about what’s ahead for Charlotte this year. It will probably be a bit of a letdown. We had the Democratic National Convention in 2012, as well as a lot of attention from political candidates. That guy from Entourage showed up. The Bachelorette is over. What’s on the horizon for 2013? Well, not that. Ever drink expensive champagne one night, then the next night you want more and you only have a box of Franzia in your fridge? That's 2013. Get ready.

But what do I know. Nothing’s happened yet. 2013 is going to be great. Or not. And hell, if it sucks, at least it’ll give me something to write about.

  • So, yeah. One of the Cracked Crowns I wrote about in this month’s magazine isn’t going to happen. These scientist guys were going to build a $1 billion replica of Rock Hill in the New Mexico desert to, you know, test some stuff out. But because of problems with buying up land, the deal’s off, which means the Mary-Kate to Rock Hill’s Ashley will have to wait.
  • Another thing I wrote about in this month’s magazine is off the table for your Friday night entertainment. The state supreme court upheld a law meant to shut down internet sweepstakes parlors in North Carolina. It took effect yesterday, which is supposed to shut them all down. But I’m expecting them to all update their software and re-open soon, if they haven’t already. Because they're crafty, those parlors.
  • Widespread Panic debuted a new album cover during their show in Charlotte on New Year's Eve, and it looks about like what you'd expect a new Widespread Panic album cover to look like.
  • So, let's all pry into the seedy underbelly of a NASCAR divorce case. That judge said it was okay.
  • The only appropriate way to compare Time Warner Cable Arena to a Broadway stage.
  • The Bobcats just won a game after an 18-game "Storm of Losing." Behold, the stratocumulus clouds of victory!
Categories: Blog Links > Week in Inanity, The Buzz, Way Out