Yo Mama's So Ugly, She's Greensboro
A website named Greensboro as America's least sexy city. So what?
I went to Greensboro last weekend and hoooooo lordy, is it ever ugly. ALLEGEDLY.
A website called misstravel.com named Greensboro the least sexy city in America. If you are a good-looking person, or if you are able to match.com your profile picture to make it appear that you are, you can sign up on Miss Travel to be an Attractive Traveler. If you’ve got disposable income and an insatiable wanderlust/loneliness, you can be a Generous Traveler, which gives you the privilege of bringing an Attractive Traveler with you. You just have to pay all travel expenses. This is not an escort service, because, well, the website says it’s not. So there.
Generous Travelers ask Attractive Travelers to go with them to places, or maybe to meet in a city. The Attractive Traveler can say no. And when Generous Travelers asked hot people to go to Greensboro, the hot people said no. Every. Single. Time. Says the list:
With a 100% rejection rate, NO ONE wants to meet up in this Carolina city. There’s nothing particularly unpleasant about Greensboro, it’s just not sexy in the eyes of our aspiring travelers.
Nothing particularly unpleasant. That's how you'd describe somebody with a unibrow if you didn't want to bring up the unibrow.
(Number two on the list was Richmond– disgusting, festering, Quasimodoesque Richmond. For some reason, Beverly Hills and Atlanta were in the top ten. Nobody’s finding romance at World of Coke, I guess.)
I spend a lot of time in Greensboro. My wife grew up near there and her parents still live in the area, so I’ve probably gotta tread lightly. My glass-half-full description would probably read like this: Greensboro is a perfect place to fly in an Attractive Traveler if that Attractive Traveler also happens to have a job interview at Lorillard.
I don’t think Greensboro is sexy. But I don’t think it’s not sexy. As Stringer Bell would put it, Greensboro is a 40 degree day. Ain’t nobody got nothing to say about a 40 degree day.
The problem is that Greensboro is not oozing sex from every pore. That's perfectly fine. It's just not the kind of place where someone twirling glow sticks will start rubbing your arm at the bar as you order another round of absinthe. Most times, you'll just have Bud Light spilled on you by a guy who's trying to push his way toward the bathroom. That's my kind of place. It is also NOT SEXY.
Which brings me to this weekend. My wife and I went out on Saturday night. We had a beer at Natty Greene’s. We wanted to play darts. Somebody had stolen the darts. That's rebellious. Rebellion is sexy.
Counter-point: We didn’t have to pay to park. NOT SEXY. Just think of how white-hot this conversation would be:
HER: They want $15 to park here?
ME: You’re worth it baby. (sexy eyes)
There's more. Greensboro has not one but two Applebee's. NOT SEXY.
There is a bog garden, which isn't as bad as it sounds. NOT SEXY.
ACC Tournament? NOT SEXY.
I've been talking a lot about this lately, which I suppose is the point of a list that ranks the least sexy cities. The more we talk, the more buzz Miss Travel gets, which leads people to the site to comment:
- From Larry Oldham: “What do they consider sexy? You can have sex anywhere anytime wherever you visit.” Good point, Larry. Greensboro with the lights off probably looks like every other city.
- Here’s a comment from e.e. cummings, I suppose: “i met the love of my life when i moved to greensboro. she is sexy.”
- From J. Austin, who points out a major oversight: “Jacksonville NC should be on this list, at the top. Barber shops, tattoo shops, and strip clubs (who need to keep the lights OFF inside, just sayin) make up the majority of this town. Terrible for guys (such as myself) as well, as much as I appreciate the military, cause the girl-guy ratio is about 1-4, and of the women who are here, they are all taken/married/kids, etc” Boo Jacksonville. Good for freedom, bad for free Dom AMIRIGHT GUYS?
Miss Travel replied to the angry people by saying “Sorry North Carolina, but the numbers don’t lie.” Of course numbers don’t lie. They just don’t say anything. Just because nobody will pay to fly a hot date to Greensboro (again, not an escort service) doesn’t make Greensboro an unsexy city. It probably just means it’s not much of a tourist destination. There’s nothing wrong with that. Hell, I live in Charlotte. Charlotte’s got a lot? Please. We tax the everloving shit out of car renters and hotel dwellers. That ain’t sexy. That’s just how we pay for the NASCAR Hall of Fame.
So go on, Greensboro. Take pride in your bog garden. Hold your head up. Accept your prominent role in the Triad. It could be worse. You could be Jacksonville on a 40 degree day.
The real estate that’s so hot, it’s been sitting vacant for five years.
Charlotte: Cesspool of opportunity.
Some truth about the Charlotte Bobcats from The Onion.